How hard is it to just say, “Hi, how are you doing today?” in an online dating message? Turns out, it can be quite difficult indeed. Here are 20 examples of online dating message “hello” fails… these guys need to just stick with a script.
Note: I personally received every one of these messages.
#1. The Wrong Name Hello
THREE TRIES!!! It took him three tries to get his own name right in his introduction. Seriously, to this day, this is one of my all-time favorites.
#2. The Misspelled Compliment Hello
Ok, who the hell spells sexy that way? Is that the cool-kid version or what? Am I getting old at 31 and too far removed from the hip lingo of the youngins??
Enough about the obvious. Let’s peak at the less obvious. His profile name is “billgates___” and he is quote, “on here *****in around get a a real one” (yup, that’s with two “a’s”).
Yeah… I give up… I’m too old for this shit.
#3. The Escalation Hello
Sometimes a simple “Hi” or “Hello” just doesn’t feel like it goes far enough. Perhaps these dudes realized that after their first message and are just attempting to give it a better shot on their second… and third.
These are what I like to call the “Escalation Hellos.” They start off as a simple “Hi” and morph into full-blown introductions in the course of days or weeks.
This guy started off as basic as he possibly could and escalated right into giving me his number; all the while not ever receiving a response from me…
This guy did an escalation within the same message. Perhaps he reread his “Hi!” and realized he had more to say…
This guy starts with one “Hi,” and ends with two “Hello’s.”
In all fairness, this next dude did a semi-escalation. He did escalate in the second message, but upon failing to do that correctly, followed up with a third…
#4. The De-escalation Hello
Following in the escalation footsteps of our bachelors above, below we have the exact opposite – the “hello’s” that seem to get more and more effortless on each round…
This guy can’t even muster up the “H” in “hey” by his third attempt:
This man literally took out a section of his original message on each follow-up:
#5. The Follow-Up Hello
As we saw above, some men like to follow-up after their first message. In most cases, I think it’s because they’ve either forgotten that they messaged in the first place or they figured the 2nd, 3rd, or 100th time’s a charm.
In this case, this gentleman not only followed up with a second message, but he followed up to ENSURE I did in fact receive his first message…
Oh, yes! I definitely got that incredibly important and well thought-out first message, guy. Did I not respond? Well, thank you so much for following up… I’ll get right on that!
Wonder why he gave up??
#6. The “Cut to the Chase” Hello
After enough small talk, some guys like to just get right to the point…
Umm… no, we’re not.
#7. The Literal Hello
Seriously… nothing more annoying than the literal “hello.” Every girl who online dates has about a thousand of these waiting for her in her inbox…
A few guys have told me that the literal “hello” is a time-saver. Essentially, it prevents them from wasting time on an introduction if the girl isn’t interested. Here’s the problem guys… a literal “hello” DOESN’T INTEREST ME.
#8. The Accidental Insult Hello
These next ones are freaking hilarious!!!
You can totally picture these guys clicking the “send” button and then, in their “Oh, SHITTTT!!!” moments, immediately realizing their mistake and scrambling to redo lol.
#9. The Terrified Hello
Some men like to tell you exactly how your profile made them feel…
What? What the hell did I say in my bio??
#10. The Lazy Hello
Some men are simply too busy to type full words in their “hello” messages…
Seriously, you have to initialize every word you possibly can in your “Hi, how are you” intro?? It literally took me 2 seconds to type that shit just now. On my phone… maybe 4.
I would have loved to see him try to initialize “how.” Which brings up another point… this man lacks commitment and follow-through. Finish what you start, dude.
#11. The Booty Call Hello
Ok, this one’s a lot of fun. Let’s start breaking it down, shall we? You tell me if this qualifies as a booty call “hello:”
- Username = “philme”… as in “feel me,” right?
- Tagline = “kick it for a 1 minute or 2…” already letting you know how long he expects this to last.
- Interests = sex… hello?!
- Message = “Hi in town for a few days.” DING, DING, DING
I do believe we have ourselves a full-blown booty call “hello,” ladies and gentlemen. And a minute-man at that.
#12. The Statement or Non-Hi Hello
He’s not even going to say hi or attempt to have a conversation. He’s just makin’ a statement, brah…
#13. The Repeat Hello
Some men like to use a script (as I suggested in the intro to this post). I’m all for that IF you do not repeat your script, guy…
At least a few words were changed, I guess.
#14. The Obvious Hello
Perhaps sometimes people wonder if others understand what “Hi” means. This guy wanted to make sure I knew exactly what he was saying…
Oh, you’re saying hello? Thank God you explained that to me. This tiny little blond head could barely keep up with you.
#15. The Psychiatric Hello
Some men like to ask for assistance on refining their profiles or messages. In this next case, dude asked for assistance on just him…
What’s wrong with you?! Jesus, I don’t know. Why don’t we start with that shitty introduction and go from there. This assessment will be $75, dude.
#16. The Resentful Hello
Some men take it personally when you don’t respond back and assume you’re stuck up.
I think I’m the girl not responding to your “Whoa mama…”
#17. The Won’t Take a Hint Hello
Some guys really don’t understand that ignoring is the universal sign of “I’m just not that into…”
STOP ALREADY!!! And what the f^&% is up with the lack of punctuation, guy??? Omg, that’s driving me nuts… finish your sentences!
#18. The Entitled Hello
I’ve found a lot of men feel entitled to a response to their intro messages. They believe it is common courtesy. What they don’t seem to understand is that my inbox is overflowing with bullshit “Hello” messages and I simply refuse to provide a courteous response to every single guy that messages me. I would prefer to get off the site at some point during the day and run an errand, eat, work, or do ANYTHING ELSE.
This is not this guy’s first round of messages to me. The first were far angrier. He is not having a good time on there. Oh, and based on his pics, he’s definitely not 70 years old, as opposed to what his profile suggests. Hey, if he isn’t going to take this shit seriously, I certainly won’t.
#19. The Confused Hello
These are some of my favorites because they prove the value of my profile bio. I purposely wrote a sarcastic bio that would absolutely baffle anyone with less than half a brain and a complete lack of the type of humor I find so delightfully amusing. It weeded this guy right out!
I get a lot of the confused “hello’s” and I get down on my knees every day and thank the universe for giving me the inspiration for my bio.
#20. The Resentful Hello
This guy couldn’t just say “hello.” He had to go the “smooth, aloof, don’t give a shit” route until when all that failed, his resentment for my lack of responses got the better of him…
WTF does “a lotta bounce” mean anyways?
Let’s all give an official, collective “Goodbye” to these awful “Hello’s.” Hope you enjoyed :).
What’s the best, worst “Hello” online dating message you’ve ever received? Leave your comments below!
Photo Credit: SplitShire