#IHateDating: The Time I Was Told I Was Too Big for a Relationship

I met “Your Name Here” on POF. Let me explain his nickname… he was a tattoo artist and on the first (and only) date we had, he told me he had “Your Name Here” tattooed on the head of his… you know… thang. Classy guy, right?

Smitten Kitten

The first night we messaged, we quickly migrated to the phone on which we had a 5-hour call. I was EARLY in dating, naive, and completely un-jaded. I was sure I would find Mr. Right as easily as finding my next k-cup variety on Amazon.

I was thoroughly smitten. Five hours of sarcasm, history, flirting… it was truly one of the best first calls I’ve ever had with a guy. He was cute, funny, bright, a Dad, divorced… I was extremely optimistic.

My 185lb Ass

At this time of my online dating career, I had only top half photos posted on my bio (waist up). I wasn’t trying to hide anything… those were simply the selfie shots I had taken from my bathroom… classy girl, right? I listed myself as “Average” body shape. At the time, I was about 185lbs. I’m 5’7” and carry my weight pretty well, so I certainly wasn’t “fat,” but certainly far from “thin.” Size 10 pants.

I was on a mission to lose 60lbs. I had just started going to the gym regularly and revising my diet and was down 10lbs already. I was feeling pretty, pretty, pretty good (thank you, Curb Your Enthusiasm).

The First Date

“Your Name Here” and I wanted to meet ASAP. The night following our call, we had our first date. Oh, was I new at this shit! I actually drove an hour out of my way to Napa, CA to meet him at his place because he couldn’t get a babysitter for the night… I’m embarrassed just writing this. This was the first (and last) time I’ve ever met a dude’s kids on the first date. Oh, and one more bit of ridiculous trivia for ya – he lived in a renovated garage on his parent’s property… I don’t think comments are necessary here as I’m aware of the stupidity in my decision making that night, thank you.

Upon arriving, I immediately went from optimistic to self-aware. I caught him eying me up and down a couple times throughout the evening, but not in a way that made me feel like a juicy piece of meat… more like he was trying to negotiate something in his head.

After the kids went to bed (again, so embarrassed to be writing this shit), we listened to music. He suddenly became extremely forward and aggressive. He relocated our making out (yes, I was being slightly slutty) into the bedroom, at which time I explained I had a curfew for the evening and would need to be leaving soon. Even if I had felt up to being a complete slut that night, something in my stomach was telling me something was off. I felt looked “through,” rather than “at” by this guy.

I stopped the making out, thanked him for the evening, and drove home. I could not shake the feeling of insecurity. I felt awful about myself and had no clue why. He seemed nice. He was physically aggressive, which in my naive head meant he was interested. I didn’t know what it was, but something was definitely not right.

The Sucker Punch

The next day, “Your Name Here” texted. He quickly started flirting and talking about how the night had ended. I explained that things seemed to move really quickly that night. He responded with, “There’s obviously sexual attraction between us, so why not go with it?” I then explained that I liked him and wanted to see where things were going to go, so I didn’t want to move too fast. I asked exactly what he was looking for here… and oh, boy did I get one hell of an answer:

Your Name Here:
“Though there is obviously sexual attraction here and we get along famously (not joking… he used the word “famously”), I’ve never been with a girl as big as you are. I know you’re going to the gym and you’re working on that. I’m just torn.”

Face Palm GIF

“and you’re working on that.” WTF?!?!

…sucker punch right in my stomach. Every pound I had lost; every minute I had spent on makeup that day; every single shred of dignity and self-confidence I woke up with… it was all gone. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.

It’s moments like this I believe really show your true character’s colors. I could have gone off on him. I could have lost my cool and put him in his place. However, I understand that we all have our preferences. For example, I prefer tall men and don’t usually date short. Would I ever come out and tell a short guy his height is a problem for me? No – and that’s what differentiates me from “Your Name Here.” But, I certainly understand his preference and didn’t feel the need to argue with him on that point.

I replied with an “I understand your preference and I wish you luck” text. He reiterated his point (so not necessary, dude… I get it… I got a little junk in the trunk) and I reiterated my goodbye.

Speaking of awful texts, check out #IHateDating: The Group Text Fail That Jaded Me.

The Lessons

I learned a few things from this experience:

  1. It is possible to be good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to date. Never mistake a man’s sexual interest for more than it is.
  2. Full-body pictures are a requirement. Immediately after saying my goodbye, I uploaded new photos to my profile. I waited tentatively, expecting all messages to cease due to my 185lb baggage, but guess what… they didn’t. Men were still interested. I still got dates AND I could go on them knowing they knew exactly what to expect.
  3. Expectations are bad. That first call might be awesome, but you don’t have a clue who you’re dealing with that early on. Don’t get your hopes up too early.

Apple Pie vs. Pumpkin Pie

To extrapolate on lesson 2 above, I want to explain why being completely honest about your looks is a must. There are lots of girls who do the “up above, chest shot” selfies that hide the rest of their bodies. BE HONEST about who you are. Here’s the best way I can explain why this is important:

Imagine you love BOTH apple pie and pumpkin pie. You enjoy both of them equally, though they are quite different in taste. Now, let’s say I tell you that at 5pm tomorrow, I’m going to bring you a warm, sweet apple pie. Your mouth begins to water imagining your first bite. You wake up tomorrow excited about that pie! You spend all day dreaming of it. You cannot f-in wait for that apple pie!

At 5pm, I come by and deliver a pumpkin pie. Now, you love pumpkin pie just as much as you love apple pie, but your hopes had been focused on apple. The pumpkin pie is great, but it’s not the apple pie you were expecting and disappointment ensues.

The point is, lots of men like both thin and curvy women, but if you tell them to expect thin on the date and show up curvy… they were expecting apple pie.

Don’t sabotage your date by being dishonest. It’s best to go on a date with someone who knows what to expect. That way, you can go confidentially, knowing you have nothing to hide and that they are interested in what you’re offering.

Two Years Later

Two years later, I reached my goal weight of 135lbs! I lost the 60lbs and I am very proud that I “worked on that” – thanks, douche! And guess whom I would never go out with at this weight (or any weight for that matter)?

Pat On Back GIF

Has your weight ever been a problem with dating? Do you hide yourself in pics or are you loud and proud about your curves? Leave your comments below!

Photo Credit: SplitShire | GIF Credit: Reaction GIFs

Internet's Top Dating Coach - Evan Marc Katz - offers dating and relationship advice to smart, strong, successful women... Click here to find out more!

Up Next

Avoid a Bad Date with The 5-Phase Online Dating Approach

Can You Date and Be a Smoker?

#IHateDating: The Time I Was Told I Was Too Big for a Relationship

20 "Hello" Online Dating Message Fails

VIDEO: The Who, What, When, Where, and Why of Our Past Loves

Brookell

Author: Brookell

Welcome to SWD! This is my blog and my online dating hell.

Facebook | Twitter | Google+

Get the Latest, Every Friday

No shirtless selfies included, I promise.

Leave a Comment!

  • GG

    No one has ever expressly told me that they didn’t want to date me because of my weight, but since I gained 40 lbs I get zero dates. I thought about losing weight to find love, but since I’m not overweight and I’m healthy and exercise, just not super thin due to my recover from an eating disorder, I’ve decided that it’s not really my problem if men aren’t interested anymore. Why should I change for them?

    • http://specialworstdate.com Special Worst Date

      You shouldn’t! It’s their loss ;). Thanks for commenting, GG, and great job on your recovery!